Reprieve
by the Unrequited Lover
Summary: Remus Lupin. He has two faces, and once a month on of them must be seen. And the moon? She has many, but one of them is cruel. 'Bellatrix' means beautiful lady and that much is true, but what of her faces? The romance I always wondered about.
1. moon poem

She is eerily pale and she waits for me, and I can hear my name on her silver lips, calling.

Desperately I turn to run but it is my time, now.

I can see my breath in front of me, a weak Patronus that cannot save me, as I ask her for mercy.

Forgiveness.

Reprieve.

But she only laughs and strokes my hair and smoothes it against my cheek.

"Why do you fight it?" she asks. "You know it can't be helped.

Why must I suffer?

"You will break in the end," she smirks.

I deny her truths.

"You may deny them but you will not deny me," she says coldly.

I am pleading now- oh my ice queen, forlorn.

She rips off her veil and whispers a word:

"Submit."

I must. I have given up. These long years and that I must endure alone, unbearable!

The chill, and then the loss of mind.

I have always been so proud of my self-control.

I have always been so calm, cool, clever, careful.

I take it for granted.

Now I must pay.

I rip, I tear, I lay bloody battered on the floor and then I heal.

Different now, my ice queen?

Much different.

I look to her, malicious, ha, smug, even.

"Thank you, my lady,' I mock. "And how do these things go?

Ah yes, I remember...I submit to you, now you submit to me.

No?"

She nods. No longer an ice queen who has taken many.

And ice maiden who has never.

And I rape her, and I am proud.

Proud.

I rip her of faith and of hope and I abuse her.

I disgrace her.

I leave her bleeding and sobbing in the heavens until her spell leaves.

I weep for her. I weep for me.

Then I must leave, for self-control.

Dawn is my self-control.

Until the day when dawn is no more I dance in chains and dare not take them off.

My lady, I thank you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I pity you.

I leave you.


	2. middle child

_To those who reviewed....as I cannot hope to get online at the moment and do not have the best memory, I promise you I shall thank the four of you more personally next chapter. I know that Monikka reviewed...she reviews everything, not that it's a bad thing...and to answer her confusion, I have to say that chapter one had nothing to do with Bellatrix...originally it was not a romance but a one-shot poem. And then I remembered that I never really write one-shots. I have always wondered about this pairing...it's part of the reason I want so desperately for Remus to kill Bellatrix for the Sires thing (I'm not worrying about spoilers- everyone should know by now!). I also love Gin&Toxin (or Gin&Tonic, whatever...) for the same reason; it's a psychological legend. To agree with one of my reviewers on another story, they are a fascinating blend of light and dark, which either balance eachother out or consume eachother, much like my baby, Jormungand...the serpent eating it's tail, my favorite mythological oroboros. I have definitely reached my confusing quota for the time, and shall now finish the damn author's note. Sorry to all my fans of humour. I am not in a humourous mood, as some of you have noticed. You will just have to bear with me for a spell. I know what to write, I just....don't want to write it, sorry._

I've always been on the...different side of things. Narcissa was the prim, proper one, like a porcelain doll, the youngest, letting everyone dote on her and drown her in gifts and love and life's lessons, wrapped in a pretty package. She was sophisticated, a lady, but gentle. Andromeda, she was so different. She was adventurous, brilliant, charming and devious. She was not meek like our baby sister, she was openly rebellious, yet not in the way that most teens are. She went against our parent's wishes by being good, and I outwardly hated her, but I missed her deeply, and wished that I was so brave as her. No wonder she was a Gryffindor. I was the middle child, in between the two of them, and I was never silent and meek like blonde Narcissa, or amazing and imaginative like strong, fiery Andromeda; it's always been the dark one. The unique one. I did all the bad things and pressed the edge, but not like Andie. I obeyed our parents, but to a point. I never felt like myself. I only felt like the middle child.

They indulged my little sister and praised (for a while) the big girl, but never me. I got used to it, and learned to love my ability to be invisible, but I want to be seen. Make a statement.

In Slytherin House that was welcomed. They love me for it. I met Lucius Malfoy- he was my best friend and ally, we schemed together. He wanted a wife who obeyed him, of course, and I would never be held under his thumb, but he liked to...play around just the same. I grew tired of it quickly, and we were never that close again. I also met Rodolphus Lestrange. He was a good listener, and I always liked to talk. I am strong-minded, always have been, and people like that about me, usually. And he always was there to hear it. I met countless others, but none affected me. Besides Severus Snape. He and I never agreed on anything, but we were both clever and skilled with the Dark Arts. He also had many enemies, like I, although they never feared him. I was content being a slick tomboy until that day in our fifth year...when James Potter and Sirius Black, my cousin (one of my favorites, although he hated me), taunted Snape after the OWLS. I was furious with them for what they did...not because I liked him, but because they dared. And their little shy friend, Remus Lupin, a prefect, did nothing at all to stop them. I cornered him once when he was walking alone, the first time I ever had spoken to him....I will never forget that meeting.

"Hey. Lupin, is it?"

He turned and blanched. "Black?"

"You know me, of course; I'm your best friend's cousin." I said coolly, throwing my ponytail behind my shoulder.

"He doesn't much like you," Remus said coldly, and made to leave.

"I don't think so," I said, and walked over and seized his shoulder. He faced me and stared me down. I never had any doubts about myself before then, but he was at least five inches taller than I, and his cold blue eyes bored into me, my soul, I could've sworn.

"Why didn't you stop him and Potter from doing that to Severus?" I asked.

He did not reply, but I saw his gaze falter and knew this was something. I allowed the faintest flicker of a smile to touch my lips. "A bit of a coward, aren't you? That's rare in a Gryffindor. Are you sure you belong there?" I teased.

His gaze was no longer icy and unpenetrable. I could have drowned him with words then, I think, if I had thought to try. I continued unmercifully.

"You don't really belong, anywhere, though, do you?"

He looked away from me, then looked back and said softly. "Neither do you, Bella."

No one had ever called me Bella, not since I was little, not since before Narcissa was born and I was Ms. Black again. I had faltered, then sneered at him and left.

If I had known then what I know now, I would not have cared so damn much about fate and all that, and I wouldn't have tried to cheat it. There's no escaping some things.

I went back up to my room and I let my hair down, just to see what I looked like. I tried out some makeup and I slit my skirts and added chains. I had never cared what I looked like, but I did then. Not to impress...well, okay, to impress. But not so I could get a boyfriend; so that they would all be intimidated by me. I just wanted things to be like that, and I always got my way. I'm a Slytherin, after all.


	3. your cousin

"Hey, Sirius," Remus said, a little loudly. Sirius and James stopped poking Peter and looked at him.

"What?" Sirius asked casually, brushing his long fringe out of his face.

"You know your cousin?"

"Which one, mate?" Sirius asked with a bark of laughter. "I've got so many."

"Bellatrix?" Remus asked.

Sirius froze. He had never liked talking about her. Narcissa was easier to talk about, he'd just snort and say, "That little mouse? What about her?" and Andie was even easier, she was in their house. Ah, he'd miss her next year, when she was gone.

But he and Bella had been friends, even closer than him and Andie, seeing as they were the same age. Then he had become a "disgrace" and she had hated him. He missed her, his favorite.

"What about Bellatrix?" he said, his voice a little hoarse.

"She talked to me yesterday," Remus mentioned.

"So?" Sirius asked haughtily. They were the most aristocratic in their family, Sirius and her, and the Blacks were the best aristocrats in the wizarding world, so that was saying something.

"Does she like Severus or something?"

"You're referring to Snivellous by his first name?" asked James in mock solemnity. "Moony, we must get you to St. Mungo's."

They all laughed, but Remus pressed it. "Really, is she dating him or something?"

"I don't know," Sirius said curtly. He had never liked talking about his family. "Why? Do you fancy Bellatrix?"

Remus coloured. "No," he said. Sirius thought he sounded uncertain about his answer. "But she cornered me yesterday when I was coming up from the library, asking about why I didn't stop you two from, well, you know. She got a bit nasty, actually."

"She is nasty," Sirius said crossly, inspecting his nails sullenly. Why did Moony have to bring that wench up? "You sound like you might like her a bit more than you say."

Remus looked fairly uncomfortable. James tried to make a joke, "Well, I'd support the match," he said. "Then you two'd be related. And I could marry Narcissa, and Peter could marry Andie, and we'd be one big happy family."

Sirius didn't smile.

James poked him in the side. "Then we could kill them all. Besides Andie. And Moony and I'd be the happiest widowers on the planet!"

Sirius folded his arms sourly, to signify that he didn't want to keep talking about it.

James sighed and ruffled his hair up. "Padfoot, come on, it's not that bad, Remus was just wondering about Bellatrix and Snape. it would probably be funny if they dated. They'd have the ugliest kids!"

Sirius kicked a chair leg. "She's not ugly."

James rolled his eyes. "Don't be daft, Padfoot!" He exclaimed. "Imagine Snivellous' nose with her eyes. What a cute baby, eh?"

Sirius felt a smile tug at his mouth.

James' smile widened. "They'd name it Snivelly Jr."

Sirius started to laugh, and Peter did, too. James and Remus joined in. Every time one of them would stop, one of them would repeat the name, until eventually they had no idea why it was still funny, but they kept laughing, anyway.


	4. truth

She was beautiful. "Bella" is Italian for beautiful. Italian is a Romantic language, and that has nothing to with love (although I wonder if that's just a coincidence). It means it came from Latin. Latin was the language spoken in Rome. "Remus" was one of the founders of Rome. My name is Remus. I wonder what that means, if anything.

I don't think I loved her then. I know I didn't. How could I have? It didn't make any sense; she had been rude to me, anyway. But I felt something towards her. I may not know exactly what it is, but I know that it means something.

Everything means something.

That was the end of our rendezvous of our fifth year...we didn't notice one another until the end of our seventh year, when I had just begun to accept Lily and James as a couple and not my best friend who stole my ex girlfriend, or my ex-girlfriend with a heart of stone. At first I had been sure she'd leave James for Sirius, but I eventually realised she really preferred James to me. She really loved him. It was hard, but what can I say? I can't think thoughts like that, not when they're dead, not when their son is so dear to me, the only thing I have left of them.

Bellatrix left me, too....but not truly for Rodolphus. For the Dark Lord. For power, for a hunger I could not fill, a thirst I could not quench, ambition for something that I never was, never would be and never had been. She then killed Sirius.

I don't know why she did it. I have never known. I may never know. I miss him, and although that sounds so bleak, I've never been much with poetry. It's all I can say, words fall short of the hurt in my chest when I think of it. Maybe I don't want to describe it.

Another thing that makes Sirius'' death hard to take is how I sometimes get mad at him when I think about my relationship- or whatever it was- with Bellatrix. I blamed him for some of our fears, and now I can't do that. It makes me feel too guilty. So now it's all her fault. Her fault that part of me is dead, her fault that Sirius is dead, and her fault that part of Harry is dead. sometimes I blame her for Lily and James. And Peter. That's because of her, too.

I dream of that sometimes; I confront her and ask her about all the things she's done. she's in chains, not in Azkaban, or anywhere, but she's chained. I get to Peter and I start screaming at her, "Did you seduce him, then? Did you seduce him, too? Are you just Voldemort's whore now, and does he send you out to make everyone betray their loved ones?"

She squirms and struggles until her wrists are bleeding. She looks up at me with blood-shot eyes and pleads, crying: "I only ever loved you."

I spit on her and she breaks down and weeps. I pull out my wand and use the Cruciatus Curse no her, and she screams and writhes, until her wrists are all bloody from the shackles, and I know she's going to bleed to death. So does she. She crawls as close to me as possible and whispers harshly, "Remus. Remus, my wrists are bleeding. Please, please, my wrists are bleeding."

I laugh at her and she cringes. "Then die," I say shortly.

And I walk away. Except when I don't. Sometimes I start to walk away, but I hear her sobbing and I turn back and set her free, and heal her wrists, and take her into my arms and kiss her.

Suddenly we're in a room, her bedroom, like that first time, and we sleep together again, drawing the canopy around the bed.

When we wake up, it's morning. Or it should be. Sometimes in the dream we wake and it's still dark, and we're at the Department of Mysteries again. Her canopy is now that veil Sirius fell through, and she cackles and pushes me through. I fall and down is Sirius, and all the others, like faint memories, not truly there.

I shout out to her, "This is all your fault!"

And she replies, "I know it is." Usually. I can't always hear her, you know.

It's not like me to blame others for things, especially not her. I blame myself for everything, because I am the wolf, at heart, I am the bane of the earth. My condition is the stem of all my problems. I don't know what it's got to do with anything, but it has something to do with it.

My own fault, and the moon's. Her fault. I always imagined the moon a woman, a beautiful lady, when I was younger. The moon is what makes me a werewolf, the moon is silver which can kill me. Only a woman would be like that. I dreamed of her. then I came to realise that the woman was Bellatrix. She is the moon. Everything is the moon's fault. And everything is Bella's fault.

Silver kills me, it's my bane. Silver is one of Slytherin's colours.

Bellatrix is what makes me like this, insane and deranged, and she's my silver, my bane. My moon maiden.

Everything is Bella's fault. Everything is Bella's, and mine. And the moon's.

I hate my life.


End file.
